2003-07-24
Clay O' The Day 8
FULL CONCERT REPORT
PREPARATIONS
I prepared for Clayfest 2003 in true Drama Queen style. First, I spent WAY too much money on my tickets. Then I spent WAY too much money AGAIN on a really up close floor seat, immediately followed by massive bouts of buyer�s remorse. Next I HAD to have a red leather jacket to wear. Said jacket was ordered in compulsive haste, incorrectly. Thus, said jacket arrived mere days before the concert in BLACK. The Holy Red Jacket of Grease was delivered on the day of the concert at 7:30 am, thanks to the good vibrations of good friends everywhere.
The aforementioned dramatics were tempered by the sweet and lovely Kelly, who would be the recipient of one extra ticket to the Cleveland Clayfest. Planning this trip with Kelly restored balance to my majorly screwed up obsessive chi.
THE DRIVE
I picked up my friend and travel companion, Wendy, and we were Cleveland bound. The drive was uneventful and hilarious all at once. Wendy was subjected to my top-of-the-lungs �homages�, as I like to call them, to Downy Ball�s American Idol performances. Lucky girl.
THE PICK UP
...Can-Can music plays...
�Hello?�
�Marie?�
�No, this is Wendy. Hang on. Here�s Marie.�
�Hello?�
�Where are you?�
�In front of the CSU Convocation Center. Where are you?�
�IN FRONT OF THE CSU CONVOCATION CENTER! Are you in your car or on foot?�
�On foot. You?"
�In my car. I am picking you up NOW. Where are you? I don�t see you or your hair or your shoes.�
�I am walking...�
�There you are! OH MY GOD!�
�YAY!�
I pulled over, jumped out of the car and ran to embrace Kelly. We are yelling and making a big spectacle of ourselves, which is the first of many times this will happen throughout the course of the evening, so get used to it. Kelly gets in car aaaaaaaand...THEY�RE OFF LIKE A PAIR OF PANTIES AT A CLAY AIKEN CONCERT.
THE DRIVE AROUND
5 hours to concert time. 5 hours to get completely hyped up and rewind our biological clocks 10 to 15 years. Yep, 5 hours ought to do it.
Rewinding one�s biological clock is not an easy task. Mostly it involves driving dangerously in circles looking for a gas station and playing music full blast with all the windows open. It helps if you can sing filthy dirty lyrics as loud as possible and scream, �OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BE BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS CLAY!� every 5 to 7 minutes.
DINNER
A piece of advice for anyone traveling long distances for a shot at seeing Kleine Butterblume... DO NOT MAKE A HYPOGLYCEMIC TRAVEL COMPANION ENDURE THE DRIVE AROUND. We had to find a restaurant, pronto. If pronto means circling metropolitan Cleveland 7,892 times, then we succeeded. I won�t get into the details of my parallel park, but let�s just say there was much gasping and sucking air through teeth heard from the chick in the back seat. My parallel parking skills would have been more impressive if the blind spot and entire back window weren�t obscured by pictures of Package Boy taped all over them.
Dinner was lovely. Kelly and I chatted up a storm, as if we�d known each other forever. She says she is the yin to my yang, and she is absolutely right.
PARKING
Fueled for the next round, we began what I am calling PROJECT MARIE LOOKS LIKE A HO. Sitting in the parking lot, I applied approximately 84 layers of makeup to my face. My lips stood out like a turd in a church. Oh my gosh they were RED. I�m not sure, but I think Kelly and Wendy were getting a wee bit annoyed with my constant queries of �How�s my hair?� and �How�s my lipstick?� I needn�t have bothered since I kissed off my lipstick in a matter of minutes inside the arena. I�ll just leave the details of that for later...
On our way to Kelly�s car for a quick touch-up, we met two darling young girls and their mom who had just come from a meet and greet with the Idols. The inside scoop is...CLAY, RUBEN and KIM CALDWELL are THE nicest and most generous of spirit, RICKEY is hyper, CHARLIE is a doll, and CARMEN is...and I quote...A BRAT. These women were our new best friends.
THE LINE UP
Here comes the part when Marie and Kelly turn into total bitches and their heads spin all around. We are about 2 hours to show time, and we hear all this SCREAMING coming from the front of the arena. We are not stupid broads. We deduce that there may be Idol Sightings going on, a peek from a window, perhaps, and we hightail it over to the concourse. No idols. Just a second rate DJ and his overly zealous interns causing a pointless frenzy. Feh.
Marie turns Queen Bitch first, mostly because my hair got messy in the aforementioned rush. Furthermore, NO ONE IS NOTICING MY FRICKING OUTFIT OR COMMENTING ON MY SIGN. It was a huge poster with red metallic borders and lettering which read �CLAY�S GOT THE MOVES!!� The poster was decorated with two large pics of Grease Clay. I duplicated that whole look quite nicely, if I do say so myself. I mean, here are all these people, SO-CALLED Clay fans in homemade T-shirts and painted on jeans, and NO ONE notices that I am Grease Clay? Whatever.
Kelly was bitchverted upon seeing people standing in A LINE in front of the arena for NO APPARENT REASON WHATSOEVER. This was the part of the day when we spent an inordinate amount of time huffing and puffing and making fun of the people walking by.
I think we were subconsciously trying to make sure we didn�t use up all our positive energy B.C. (Before Clay) and be all empty and dry when he hit the stage. I�m psychological that way.
PRE-SHOW JITTERS
Once in the arena, I think the discussion went something like this...
�Omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod! How�s my lipstick?�
SITTING DOWN
Wendy and Kelly went happily to their seats in the lowers. I sauntered with great arrogance and glee to my seat in the third row. I was a freaking peacock, people. Like I was THE ONLY ONE down on the floor or something. Since it was a bit more than an hour to show time, that was pretty much the case. I spent the next 30 minutes waving frantically to Kelly and sticking out my tongue at her. I told you about the biological clock thing, right?
Early arrival gave Queen Marie ample time to view her subjects. A lovely lot they were. Men, women, drag queens. More on that later. Signs and posters galore, but none to rival that of King Clay�s fair queen. More on that too, in a minute. Sheesh!
My humongous sign was getting some mad attention by this time, and along came the American Idol videographer. I was holding the sign and laughing up a storm and she stood there with her big ol� camera and light in my face and taped my shenanigans for about five minutes. I wanted to think she kept the camera on me because of my extremely photogenic visage and presence, but really, it was probably because I didn�t look right at her and start screaming into the lens. I was au naturel. Now I can fantasize that this clip will show up on the Official Concert DVD or next season�s concert tour recap or Clay�s VCR in his bedroom.
AUDIENCE CONDITIONS
Scanning the audience is one of my favorite things about concerts. The people of Cleveland came out in droves. The CSU Convocation Center is smaller than many of the arenas the Idols are playing, so it was small enough to be intimate but big enough to be wild.
I made buddies immediately with the people all around me, and began whoring out my sign as soon as possible. One K Lo Fan and I waved our signs at each other and it was apparent that I�d better put my masterpiece down before a riot ensued, sparked by mad jealousy.
The folks in my row were as bold and brassy as any self-respecting Clay fan should be and we had a blast moving our way up to the front row. I would not recommend trying this as my neighbor was sent back by security. YAY NEIGHBOR! BOO HISS SECURITY!
Clay�s bodyguard Jerome stood in front of me for the duration of the show and it was pretty amusing to watch people sucking up to him and other security guards for backstage passes. Not gonna happen, unless you are 18 and have big perky boobs popping out of your demicut halter top.
Throughout the show, I was completely oblivious to the audience, except to note that Clay�s fans are deafening. The adorable little girls in front of me dancing on their chairs had earplugs. That was a good move on the parents� part. There were tons of kids in the audience and Clay does a PRETTY decent job of trying to keep the family atmosphere intact. I SAY PRETTY DECENT BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE YOUR EARS WHEN YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID ABOUT SOME PANTIES THAT WERE THROWN. More on that later.
ACT ONE
Okay, here�s the thing. Everything I�ve read in all the great concert reports on the net about all the Idols� performances has been true. I am hereby validating all prior concert reports for accuracy and depth of perception.
Here�s how it went down for me.
Everyone sings. That�s a blur.
Clay Rises.
I am oatmeal.
My brain is going, �My, this young man has incredible vocal talent and range. He is magnetic on stage; mesmerizing, one might say, or perhaps, enchanting. He interacts beautifully with the audience and seems to have natural and effortless stage presence.�
Yeah. Sure. Mmm hmmm.
My body is going, �GAAAAAAAAAH!� Literally, I was frozen. Unable. To. Move. Mouth agape. No sound escaping painted red lips. No foolish attention-seeking behavior.
Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Zero. I was like a STEPFORD WIFE.
I think Clay introduced Ruben, but I can�t be sure.
Ruben may have done a couple of songs. I can neither confirm nor deny that.
The lights did go up after Ruben. I am sure about that.
INTERMISSION
I lumbered over to Kelly and Wendy�s section. They were staring at me, wide-eyed.
I thought, �Why are they staring at me like that? Is my lipstick smudged? Do I have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe?�
Wendy asked, �Are you okay? Did something happen down there?�
I replied, �Wha? Huh? Um, no, um, holy shit. Um, you guys!�
I think they understood what happened to me.
ACT TWO
Finally, I got it together. Extreme Whoring is my sport of choice at this point in the show.
DO NOT ask me about the songs or the order, because frankly, I didn�t pay attention. The rule was: If Clay Is On the Stage, PAY TOTAL ATTENTION TO HIM. If Clay Is Off Stage, Fool Around With Your Digital Camera�s Functions And Goof Off With The Girl Next To You.
Okay, so.
Clay hits the stage in white. Guess what? He�s not wearing leather like everyone is saying. I hate to burst bubbles, but that�s the ding dang truth. Don�t worry, he looks fabulouso anyway. The boy could drape himself in a burlap sack and I would say he�s got it goin� on. But I digress...
He�s singing something and starts skipping over to my side of the stage. LET THE WHORING BEGIN.
I begin giving him bedroom eyes and COME HITHER arms replete with beckoning fingers. And it worked! WHORING WORKS.
He sees me, directs his attention, and I blow him about a million kisses.
He looks me square in the eyes, cocks his head, points at me, winks, giggles and waves.
Oh yeah, baby. Eye FRICKING contact. A definite eye f*ck. The locking of the eyes was most certainly long enough and the look was such that it can be described as eye f*cking.
The girl next to me grabbed my arm and started screaming, �OH MY GOD. DID YOU SEE HOW HE JUST LOOKED AT YOU? HE TOTALLY LOOKED RIGHT AT YOU!�
Um, yes. I am aware. I think I know a good eye f*ck when I get one. So I tell her, �Yeah, he wants me.�
The rest of the show was faboo and had some absolutely classic moments. Here are the highlights:
1. Panties Galore The first pair thrown is a yellow thong, followed by boxer shorts covered in chili peppers. Clay put the boxers on OVER HIS PANTS and told Ruben to put on the thong. 
Mad laughter and woowoos from the crowd. Ruben picks up the thong and Clay proceeds to do his now standard line, �Wait, gimme that! There�s a phone number on it!� followed by the pocketing of said number. Now, get ready for what Clay says next. Before I tell you, I would like to refer you to my earlier musings about Clay being PRETTY decent about keeping the show in the family way. Okay, here it comes. CLAY TELLS RUBEN TO SMELL THE PANTIES. What? OH NO, HE DIDN�T! Oh yes, he did. I quickly turned to the girl next to me and yelled, �DID HE JUST TELL RUBEN TO SMELL THOSE PANTIES???� I thought I liked Clay. Now I f�n LOVE HIM. If that is not snark at its finest, I DON�T KNOW WHAT IS. Family show, my ass.
2. Nachos During the Clay/Ruben banter, Clay noticed someone in the audience eating nachos. He remarked that they don�t get snack breaks during the show, and the nacho lady must have offered some to him and Ruben. Clay invited her down to the stage and asked her a bunch of basic questions. Ruben was all about the nachos. I imagine he was thinking, �YO CLAY STOP WITH ALL THE FRIENDLY TALK AND BRING THOSE NACHOS UP HERE NOW.� And that�s basically what he said. And then he chowed on the nachos. And the nacho people got backstage passes.
3. Drag Queens There was a dude dressed up like Kim Caldwell. She fricking LOVED him. He got a backstage pass. I was thinking, �HEY! I AM A DRAG QUEEN IN REVERSE! A WOMAN DRESSED LIKE A MAN! WHERE IS MY BACKSTAGE PASS???� My entire section tried to whore me and my ensemble out to Clay and Kim C. when they were nearby, but no such luck. They can�t hear a thing you say from the stage, no matter how loud you scream or how close you are. Believe me, we were LOUD. AND CLOSE. At one point, Kim got the drag queen up on the stage to demonstrate some dance moves. She was adorable. They hugged and kissed and he danced and sang. She said, �Oh my god, you�re so PRETTY!� I was completely LOVING HER, and I will tell you why.
Moments before Kim brought the drag queen to the stage, she and Trenyce were center stage flanking Clay. They were doing the schtick about Clay�s ability to dance. You know how it goes. So they get to the part where Clay is all NO NO I AM A TERRIBLE DANCER and they are all WHO THINKS CLAY IS A GOOD DANCER? And my sign is up. High.
Kim C. says, �See! Look, Clay! It says, �CLAY�S GOT THE MOVES�!� All eyes turn to me and my sign. Cameraman dude whirls around and zooms in on me. I am all over the big screen, jumping up and down. Boobs ahoy. THANK YOU KIMBERLY CALDWELL!
I was too jazzed to even LOOK at what Clay�s reaction was but I imagine it was something like, �Why, is that the sensuous and beautiful woman I eye f*cked earlier? I do believe it is. Could someone get her name and number for me?�
Damned Kelly and Damned Wendy were screaming so loud for me, even THEY didn�t check out Clay�s reaction. Thanks a lot. So we�re all going with the reaction I imagined.
Now my sign had been all over the big screen a bunch of times before, but THIS WAS DIFFERENT. My sign was the only sign at the entire concert that was read aloud. Yep. Mine. Me. It�s all about ME. I was having a good time up until then, but this really put me over the edge into The Land of Frenzy. I was the resident celebrity of my section and the sole representative of the Cleveland sign makers. On our way to the car after the show, I got plenty of �hey isn�t that the broad with the sign?� looks. Yeah, baby.
The rest of the show was great, fine, whatever. All the microphones could have gone out for all I cared.
ENCORE
All I can say is TRIPLE CLUTCH AND MAJOR TUCK ACTION. That boy knows EXACTLY what he is doing. Tucking JUST THE FRONT of his jersey into his pants to provide maximum package display and easy clutch accessibility.
I started recording �Invisible� on my camera, but my hands were shaking so much I could barely keep the camera steady. Not to mention the moment he ran over to my side of the stage, I was all FORGET THIS! I AM NOT WATCHING CLUTCH ACTION AND DEEP KNEE BENDS THROUGH THIS MINUSCULE SCREEN! LIVE FOR THE MOMENT! NOT THE MOMENT AFTER THE MOMENT! And the bends were deep and frequent, let me tell you. That IS my preferred move, so I was getting treats! Those deep bends are Clay Candy to me. Talk about Bootylicious. Man.
Clay�s speech about the Bubel Foundation was sincere and touching. While he talked about that and his genuine gratitude to the fans for their support of him and the other Idols, the audience hung on his every word. Signs were shelved, screeching diminished, and applause was heartfelt, not frenzied. Clay�s impact on the public is truly astonishing. His eyes sparkle when he talks and every word that escapes those rosebud lips is music to our ears. No, Clay, thank YOU.
GENERAL CLAY IMPRESSIONS
A few moments I want to share...
Right before the last note of TITN, Clay stopped. He closed his eyes and listened to the crowd screaming and cheering and clapping and yelling. He opened them, smiled his big perfect smile and broke out into the last haunting note. He is equally awestruck of his fans as his fans are of him.
During God Bless the USA, Clay took out his earpiece and held his microphone out to the audience. I don�t know what he could hear from his vantage point, but his downcast eyes and face showed powerful emotion. It was clear to me at this point that the Idols do love one another so much and are having the Time of Their Lives.
During the curtain call, Clay whispered something to Ruben. He then walked over to Charles Grigsby and grabbed his hand, pulling it up into the air. �Give it up for Charles Grigsby, Cleveland!� yelled Clay. He mentioned Charlie�s celebrity status in his hometown of Cleveland several times during the show, and directed the cameras to Charles� mom and Trenyce�s mom (who I chatted with a bit - it�s easy to see where her daughter gets her loveliness) in the audience. Ever selfless, my Buttercup.
Oh, yeah, one more thing. I want to have about 14 of Clay�s babies.
SAYING GOODBYE
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
THE DRIVE HOME
I would not recommend driving long distances following this concert. Stay in a hotel. Thank goodness for Coca Cola.
KELLY and WENDY
3:00 am. Run to computer. IM Kelly and discuss our concert reports. Here�s my final word.
Aside from THE VOICE and for giving me an outlet for my obsessiveness, I want to thank Clay for something else. Thanks, Clay for bringing people together, whether on line or in line at the grocery store. In our �crazy lonely world� we must not underestimate the power of friendship and love. Had it not been for Clay, I never would have met this amazingly funny, incredibly intelligent, absolutely gorgeous and equally obsessed new friend. Wendy was the best travel companion any girl could ask for. Who else would replay Tenacious D songs for hours and sing them at full voice with me? Or sit with a virtual stranger at a concert so I could practically throw myself on the stage? Today my throat feels like I chain smoked three packs of cigarettes, and I don't even smoke. Our friends and the people we love are our greatest source of wealth, surpassing our bank accounts and stock options and mutual fund by leaps and bounds. Cherish the people in your life. You will be repaid tenfold.
Hey, Clay....SMOOCH!
joeparadox at 4:28 a.m.