2003-07-29
Hormones
Hey, you wanna know why HMOs are denying claims left and right and copays are going up? Because of people like ME.
In the last twelve years, I think I have been responsible for any and all of my doctors' mortgage payments, car leases and vacations. They should be sending me a gift card for Target in appreciation, at the very least.
I'm not gonna whine and cry about all my medical crap.
But, um, try to avoid having your body sliced open from hip to hip and a bunch of your parts taken out, mmmkay? It ain't no picnic.
I have a tendency to scar in a nasty ass way. I get these things called keloids, which are basically big hard red lumps of vile scar tissue. They have invaded my torso and bikini line. For my first operation, the surgeon used this fantastic technique where the incision was closed with one long suture. To remove it, she just clipped one end and pulled, kind of like when you pull a snag out of a sweater. It was beautiful to behold. This time, I got stapled. Now my belly looks like a Dr. Frankenstein experiment. Disgusting.
To make matters worse, I have no feeling whatsoever around the incision site. It's completely numb. To the victor go the spoils. Lucky fricking me.
And holy shit, I keep doubling over. Once in a while my body will say, "Um, Marie, we're not quite done HEALING in here so if you turn or bend that way, WE'RE GONNA INFLICT PAIN ON YOUR ASS." I think my organs have Vin Diesel in there working on their behalf.
One more thing to bitch about and then I'm done. I'm nauseous. All the time. I wake up every morning and it's all I can do to brush my teeth without gagging. Why can't I have some nice old fashioned hot flashes or some sweet bone loss instead? Nooooooo, I get the nausea. I knew that surgeon was appeasing me when he told me my other ovary would take over for the one that was removed and I'd have virtually no side effects.. Bullshit, dude. You got ovaries? No? Then shut the hell up.
I'm so bitter today. Screw you, hormones.
joeparadox at 8:25 a.m.