2003-08-25
A Wedding Story
Last night I attended the wildest wedding ever.
Before I describe this event, I must give mad props to my girls
Katie (and her brother Jim)
and Roseann.
These are real life friends who read my blog regularly. Katie has informed me that my blogging has not been frequent enough for her liking, so I�m going to make a concerted effort to update and be prolific for her benefit. Katie deserves this kind of attention, because she is the friend who, in the Raleigh airport, spent her time thinking of how she would get in contact with me immediately from her cell phone should she bump into one Clay Aiken by chance. Now THAT is a friend.
So. The wedding. Sean married Tara. Sean has been one of my brother�s best friends since high school. This group of guys is so tight, they make the Queen Mum look like a brazen hussy. At the ceremony, Sean sang with his best man, John. John is a trained opera singer and Sean is an accomplished vocalist. OH MY GOD. PEOPLE WERE CRYING. THAT�S HOW GOOD THEY ARE. You�ve never heard harmonies echoing through vaulted ceilings until you�ve heard these two sing together. I got chills. Come on, dawg! Danielle gettin� chills!
The wedding started out all civilized. Look at these civilized pictures of my civilized family.
Isn�t my brother cute?
Too bad he and the rest of the groomsmen looked like The F�n Sopranos in their black suits.
Actually, they looked quite handsome in black suits - perfect for hiding blood stains. My brother said not to worry about that, because he, of course, would have the plastic garbage bag over HIS suit during a hit.
My brother�s funny.
Then all hell broke loose.
It all started at dinner. Our lovely table included lovely people.
My sister-in-law, Kelly.
Katie the Goddess With the Fabulous Shoes
Rachael and Billy
Roseann and Chuck
Beth (her husband Kevin was in the wedding party)
and
Myself as Dr. Evil
There was an empty seat at our table. The first thing out of Chuck�s mouth was, �What were the dinner choices again?� We told him sea bass or filet mignon. Chuck said, �Looks like I�m having surf and turf tonight!� The servers came around and put a salad on the empty plate. We were encouraged. It looked like Chuck�s two-wedding-meals-dream was about to become a reality. And then it happened.
While the main course was being distributed, the server came to our table and asked the dreaded question, �Is anyone sitting here?�
Oh no! What do we say? In a split second, three things happened.
1. I looked up at Mr. I�m Having Surf and Turf Tonight.
2. Mr. Surf and Turf looked at me like a deer in headlights.
3. Beth saved the day.
Beth, in a calm, cool and collected tone, said simply, �Fish. The person is having fish.�
The server was satisfied and went to get the plate.
At this time, we all burst into hysterical peals of laughter.
We acted like kids who just stuffed a big cookie in our mouths two minutes before dinner. Even though the country club servers could CARE LESS, we felt like we had gotten away with something BIG. Hey, we all went to Catholic school, put us together and it�s one big ass guilt fest. My brother contributed to the shock value by stating one of the bridesmaids didn�t get a meal because the kitchen ran out of fish by the time the head table was served. Ha!
Amused by our own shenanigans, we gave the empty chair a character. Mary Camusso was her name, stealing Katie�s clothes was her game.
During dinner, we annihilated Mary�s plate. Mr. Surf and Turf ate her fish. Rachel doled out the rice
and I ate Mary�s asparagus.
Here�s Mary�s plate at the end of dinner.
Between dinner and dessert, Chuck and Beth had some time to spend hanging out with Mary and enjoying her company. Chuck was getting a little fresh, if you ask me.
My brother ate Mary�s cake while she was in the ladies� room
and Beth helped eat the raspberry filling. Mary doesn�t like filling anyway. Beth fed Mary a new piece of cake, because I think Mary was a little pissed my brother ate the first one.
We raised our glasses to Mary for being such a good sport.
After dinner, the dancing began. Kelly had the DJ dedicate a song to Mary. Here�s Mary rocking out on the dance floor.
I think Mary got tired and went home at this point, because we didn�t see her again after that.
However, we did see some bidnezz happening on that dance floor.
I never knew there were so many songs written about asses.
Apparently, removing articles of clothing can turn into a fun game.
See what happens is, the clothing gets stuck in a chandelier. When it�s clear that the article of clothing is not going to break free without pulling the entire electrical system from the ceiling, the item becomes a servicable tool for the �limbo dance.�
John�s parents obliged the screaming crowd with their usual �She Bangs� dance duet. They rock. Hard.
Unfortunately, Jazz Hands were only seen at the dinner table, and not on the dance floor.
Damn. I loves me some jazz hands.
Okay. Now.
Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the hilarity that would ensue when Bon Jovi began to blare from the sound system. The speakers vibrated with what is, apparently, the Holy Grail of wedding songs. Thus began...air instrumentation.
First, Chuck hit the air guitar.
Kevin rocked out on the air drums.
Rachael and I were groupies.
Suddenly, I looked over my shoulder. Serendipity struck. I saw out of the corner of my eye, a full fledged AIR BAND rocking out on the east side of the dance floor.
I literally pushed people out of the way so I could get this phenomenon on film. The band started out big. There were three men and two women. Like most bands, they had differences about what kinds of songs they would record, and of course, some of the members went off to pursue solo projects. Mid song, the band was reduced to the three men.
Once the guitar solo began playing, everyone moved aside for the King of All Air Guitars to do his thang.
At one point, this dude was actually airborne.
I could not believe my eyes. The only thing I didn�t get on film (because I was laughing too hard to hold the camera steady) was the point at which he actually LAID ON THE FLOOR ON HIS BACK AND PLAYED RIFFS. I swear I saw smoke rising.
The air instrumentation phenomenon continues to puzzle and amaze me. I have concluded that there is nothing, NOTHING better in this world than air instrumentation and the people brave enough to partake in the pleasure. Personally, I am partial to the air drums. I have friends who would agree with me on this matter, so don�t try arguing. And don�t roll your eyes. It�s cool and I say so.
Katie, I hope you enjoyed this one. It was all for you, girl. All for you.
joeparadox at 1:02 p.m.