2003-06-20
I'm So Vain
"Vanity is the quicksand of reason." -George Sand
I have no humility. None. I am completely vain. I can prove it.
I have a close relationship with the mirror. I examine my skin, looking for signs that I won't age as beautifully as my grandmother has. I've started buying jars of overpriced eye cream to ward off puffiness. I stare, checking to see if one of my eyes really is just a smidge higher than the other. I fastidiously pluck stray eyebrow hairs just as they peek through the follicle. And, yes, I sing. I sing and wonder how I would look in my American-Idol-Top-Ten-Close-Up-Shot-On-Carpenters-Songs-Night-When-Richard-Carpenter-Is-The-Guest-Judge-But-No-One-Really-Wants-To-Hear-What-He-Has-To-Say.
I buy makeup. No, not just a tube of lipstick. I am talking LOOKS, baby, LOOKS. Whole collections of makeup based on a theme. The Neutral Look is so I can leave the house, secure in the thought that I look so natural, even though I have 7 layers of gunk on my face. The Pink Look is so I can leave the house thinking I look like Kimberley Locke on Top Three Night.
My feet are starting to intrigue me. I've never had a pedicure, and I usually only wear shoes with closed toes, but lately, I've become quite the exhibitionist by buying two pairs of open-toed shoes. I've got this red nailpolish for my toenails and I'm gonna put it on, I swear. And because in my mind I am 18 all over again, I got myself a toe ring. Who do I think I am?????
I'm addicted to jackets. Usually that addiction is coupled with an unhealthy obsession for some celebrity, but the jacket-love is true, so true. It all started in 1986 with that pink suede number I draped myself in until the sleeves were shiny from wear and raindrops had permanently stained the fabric. Then it was the black suede Barry Sobel blazer with the fringe under the arms. Now I'm on the hunt for a red leather jacket with a mandarin collar a la Clay Aiken singing Grease.
I almost peed myself when I saw that one. Amy said that jacket is SO EIGHTIES and SO ME and I better not settle for some crappy substitute. I won't settle, I promise.Yeah, I'm losing it.
joeparadox at 8:45 a.m.