2003-12-03
My Job Is The Funnest Job
I have the most entertaining job on the planet. NOTHING is funnier than the utterances of children under the age of eight. Every year I say I will carry a notebook around with me so I can document some of the pearls of wisdom and hilarity, but alas, I never do.
Here are some highlights.
* Two years ago, I was reading the book "The Big Orange Splot," in which the main character paints his house outrageous colors, much to the chagrin of his neighbors. At one point, the neighbors believe the man has gone insane, and the text goes something like, "they thought he lost his marbles." After hearing this line, one child shouted out, "HEY! I KNOW WHAT MARBLES ARE! THAT'S WHAT'S UNDERNEATH YOUR PENIS!" I had a parent volunteer that day. We were able to breathe again after a few minutes of stifled laughter.
* Today I was playing a bingo game with a small group of children to reinforce colors and shapes. I always play the game and allow a child to be the "caller." Whenever I work with small groups of children, I keep my eyes wandering the classroom, alert to potential situations in which one child might whack another over the head with a block. It's good to be proactive in prekindergarten. Apparently I wasn't looking carefully enough at my bingo card, because I missed the yellow triangle. The very attentive and assertive caller poked my shoulder and said, "You have that one. WAKE UP!!!!!"
* On Monday, one of my students was absent. He was afflicted with the ubiquitous stomach virus that plagued me last week, as well as a good portion of the population of my class. When he returned on Tuesday, he climbed into my lap and I said, "Oh, I missed you yesterday! Where were you?" He looked me directly in the eyes and shouted, "I PUKED!"
* Last week, I was sitting at a table waiting for a small group of children to convene so we could play a game that reinforced recognition of numerals up to twenty. I was sitting near the "housekeeping" center, where a few children had set up a pot of coffee, cups, saucers and spoons. One child walked over to me, cup in hand, pinky out, and declared in a deep and raspy drawl, "Sometimes, I drink coffee. I drink coffee, and sometimes, I SMOKE." She flipped her hair, and walked away, Greta Garbo style.
* To a four year old, NOTHING is funnier than poop jokes and cuss words. Here's a conversation I overheard a child having on the play telephone yesterday. "Oh, hi, dammit head. How are you, poopie?" What the hell is a dammit head, anyway?
* My favorite kid story yet happened a few years ago when I was teaching second grade at a highly impoverished school. Now I believe that kids are intrinsically brilliant, but their lack of common sense sometimes impedes their potential Mensa status. I was participating in a pilot teaching program in which two teachers worked side by side in one classroom. We had a slightly larger class size and though our class was mixed, we worked with all the children identified with special needs at our grade level. I had mixed feelings about this pilot, but I can say without reservation that working and planning with another professional on a daily basis is an experience every teacher should have at least once in their career. At any rate, we had a handful of challenging students whose behavior tested our patience and skill each and every day. One day, late in the school year, we discovered that someone had written vulgar words on the wall of the bathroom in our classroom. If I remember correctly, the word "fuck" was spelled "fcuk", and the sentence in which it was used showed no sign of capitalization OR punctuation, skills we had been working on diligently all year! I was so disappointed in this vandalism. However, the best part of this entire incident is that, after examining the handwriting on the wall (literally), my partner and I discovered that the child who was guilty of the poorly crafted graffiti WAS THE SAME CHILD WHO ALERTED US TO ITS EXISTENCE. Essentially, he told on himself.
Teaching rocks.
joeparadox at 7:23 p.m.