2003-08-21
Lame
Lame. Lame, lame, lame.
That's what my phone/DSL company is. Lame.
About a month ago, I signed up for DSL service. Since then, I have gotten to be good friends with Vadi and Matt and the other nice folks in the Customer Service and Repair department.
Now when I call, they say, "Hey, Danielle, how's it going? Pull any socks out of your dog's ass lately?"
The problem was that the DSL service would intermittently crap out. When I say intermittently I mean every three to five f'n seconds.
The ready light would start to blink, winking at me, as if to say, "Who's in control, now, beeyotch?"
I would troubleshoot the computer and the networking systems with the phone tucked between my neck and left ear, waiting for Vadi to pick up. Of course by the time Vadi got to me, the DSL was back on, smirking and laughing at me with its solid green light. Other times, I would get to the first voice prompt and the DSL would be all, "Oh, hey, here I am, working again, so you can hang up now."
I hate that damn DSL box. It�s Satan in disguise.
After a month of this bullshit, I called Vadi up and told him enough was enough. I am forking over good money to them every month for a service, and the only service I seem to be receiving is severe aggravation. I don't think they should be getting thirty bucks a month for that.
Vadi agreed with me in his best salesperson-reading-page-45-of-the-What-To-Say-To-Bitching-Customers-Manual tone, and said he would be very unhappy if he were in my shoes. I told him to cut the Anthony Robbins crap and fix my f�n connection. Vadi laughed.
If you think you�re surrounded by asshats daily, come to my house and walk a day in my shoes. I am the asshat magnet. Here�s how a DSL connection gets fixed in Asshatsville.
First, Vadi set up the trouble call. On Monday, DSL Repairman came to my house and spent approximately two hours fixing my service. He installed a gray box on the side of the house, which contains the telephone line, DSL line and filters. He went into the basement and ran all new wire from the source to the jacks, which was a good thing since the wires hadn�t been replaced since God was a child and they were corroded. He tested all the connections and in two shakes, I was connected again. Yay DSL Repairman.
He left. I was in the middle of looking up things for work and chatting with Melissa, when DAMMIT ALL TO HELL, the connection crapped out AGAIN. DSL Repairman had barely pulled his van out of the driveway and the nightmare was starting over. I do believe I shouted profanities at this point.
I got on the horn with Vadi PRONTO. Vadi was all, �Wha happened?� He went back into the Bitching Customer Manual and tried to appease me with Pretend Troubleshooting and Pretend Network Connection Checks. I told him not to bullshit me, we had been through too much together and I deserved the truth. He told me someone would be over on WEDNESDAY to fix it.
After all that Vadi and I shared, I must admit I was disappointed in his inability to get me an earlier appointment. I couldn�t tell him that because I LEANED MY EAR AGAINST THE TALK BUTTON ON THE PHONE AND DISCONNECTED THE CALL. Bitchus interruptus.
I decided to take matters into my own hands. I hooked up the f�n Atari, how hard could DSL be? I went to the phone jacks and began moving wires around. Guess what? It worked. I�m a genius.
Except for one thing. I didn�t call Vadi back and tell him to cancel the trouble call for Wednesday.
This is my punishment for gloating about my genius.
Wednesday morning, after I left for work, DSL Repairman apparently came to my home and fiddled with the wires again. I know this because he was seen at my house, and when I got home, none of the f�n phones worked. The DSL connection was perfect, but no phone, which actually, turned out to be a good thing.
This time, I bypassed the DSL people and called the phone company directly. They promised to send someone between the hours of noon and 6. They kept the promise and Phone Repairlady arrived mid-afternoon. This would be the first of three visits, proving once again, that I am the asshat magnet.
Visit #1: Phone Repairlady looked at the gray box on the side of the house and determined she didn�t know what the hell it was or how it worked. She had to call DSL Repairman to come back and mess around.
Visit #2: Phone Repairlady knocked on the door (sending dogs into a frenzy) to tell me...
wait for it...
...
...
...
...
I DO NOT HAVE DSL SERVICE THROUGH THEIR COMPANY AND NO ONE HAD BEEN TO MY HOUSE ON MONDAY TO REPAIR THE SERVICE I APPARENTLY DO NOT HAVE.
Now. This woman is clearly just following orders and repeating what her asshat colleague read from the Lie To Customers Manual, but I could not control myself any longer.
I said, �Oh really? Then I guess the gray box on the side of the house appeared by MAGIC on Monday, and I guess the DSL connection I am using as we speak is PRETEND.� I bit my tongue and let the Harry Potter references swimming through my brain slide. But, damn, I really wanted to call her boss Lord Voldemort.
She kept asking me if I was certain about this, and I just sighed and rolled my eyes.
Phone Repairlady went away.
Visit #3: Phone Repairlady returned and I greeted her cheerfully by skipping down the front steps and onto the lawn. I was so glad to see her!
Phone Repairlady messed with the gray box on the side of the house. No dial tone.
Phone Repairlady messed with the wires in the basement. No dial tone.
Phone Repairlady messed with the jack behind the chair next to the fireplace. DIAL TONE!
Phone Repairlady had to make three trips and 76 phone calls to figure out something that was fixed in less than a minute.
Telephone and DSL service is now operating successfully. Phone Repairlady called me today to make sure everything was still A-OK.
Vadi, you�re dead to me. I�m all about Phone Repairlady now.
joeparadox at 5:09 p.m.