2004-01-14
Rebirthday
Today couldn�t be any better.
It�s my birthday.
Every year, my birthday comes and goes with no fanfare, which is fine with me. I�ll get a few phone calls and some cards in the mail. People at work will smile and say, �Happy Birthday!� but the day goes on like any other day.
This year, I was absolutely inundated with the most phenomenal cards, phone calls, guestbook posts, webpage dedications, IMs and emails. I was fucking flabbergasted. I don�t know why I find it so hard to believe people like me as much as they do. I�m pretty confident about myself and who I am, but I find it unbelievable when people go out of their way to do nice things just to make me happy.
I was thinking the other day about online diaries and blogs, after reading a friend's journal post. In these diaries, we are able to present ourselves in a certain way. I don�t doubt that most people are completely honest in their entries, but through the written word, we�re able to create a persona that is more complex than our normal, every day selves. We have an opportunity to choose our words with greater care than the spoken word allows. We can be ourselves with frosting and sprinkles.
In the last several months, I�ve met some new friends online. I bought my first computer in June, so all my technological and internet experience has happened in seven months. I�m a self taught geek, with a little help from outside sources. At first, I was very skeptical about the mysterious strangers in web-land. I used a pseudonym for a while. I was leery about ordering merchandise over the internet. Through the magic of email, instant messengers and good old fashioned experience, I quickly learned that most people online weren�t scary or freakish at all. They were pretty much just like me.
Still, how did I know they would like �real life me� as much as they liked �diary me� or �online me�? I wasn�t sure. But it was a chance I was willing to take. I spent the last ten years of my life avoiding chances and living in an emotional cocoon and I wasn�t about to spend one more day hiding behind a facade of lies and pretending to be someone I wasn�t. Several months ago I made a promise that I wouldn�t lie ever again under any circumstances in words or actions. I would be myself, truly myself, and if that wasn�t good enough, too bad.
That wasn�t easy for me because I�ve spent most of my life second guessing myself, criticizing myself and trying to be someone else. Trying to be perfect. I lived my life for approval and validation, hindered by worry and fear. It�s something I still struggle with and probably always will to some degree. I never knew my own evolution could be so exciting and wonderful, because I never allowed it to happen. Now I am, and it feels so good.
I decided to put myself out there, meet these people and hoped that they weren�t going to chop off my head in the night. Or the day, for that matter. More than that, I worried that they might reject me. Head chopping sounded more attractive.
Over a series of months, I overcame a paralyzing fear of flying and met them one by one. And they liked me! They REALLY liked me! I was myself, and that was enough.
I�ll always be a drama queen. I�ll always be a performer. I�m an extrovert who loves attention. I�m impulsive, emotional and I lack self control. But I�ve found a niche of people with whom I can be all those things and not fear rejection, judgment or criticism.
�...and in the end...the love you take...is equal to the love you make.� - John Lennon
Over the last few months, I�ve received more love from the people in my life than I ever imagined possible. They�ve allowed me to give love, unabashedly and without hesitation.
On the day of my birth, I say thank you. Thank you to my new friends and my family for accepting me, appreciating me and loving me for who I am. I�m grateful, today and always.
Happy birthday to me.
joeparadox at 9:02 p.m.