2003-10-19
Clay Aiken CD Release Party
I realize I am a complete dork, so you don't have to point it out to me. Remember, these are my glasses.
Monday night, my loser level ascended to new heights. I went to a Clay Aiken CD release party.
After a long weekend in Detroit, I stopped at home to kiss my cats and drop off my bags. Then I drove to hell.
I headed over to "The Olive Garden". The meal, fortunately, had ended, so I didn't have to ingest the most repulsive fake Italian food on the planet.
The entire event was organized by a woman I remember seeing at the American Idols concerts in Cleveland and Albany. She�s like the friggin� mayor of Clayaikenland. She trotted around all night looking and acting superior and talking in the loudest voice you�ve ever heard in your entire life. She brought enough stuff to fill the contents of a moving van, including dozens of Krispy Kreme donuts, gift bags for everyone who registered for this disaster of a "party",
and THIS DOLL.
Bet my obsession is looking pretty f�n tame right about now, huh?
Around 8pm, the Posse of Freaks moved to Media Play, where the festivities began. Media Play provided watery coffee and cappuccino. Of course, the attendees converged on the free beverages like a pack of vultures on fresh kill and before long, the "empty" sign was taped up. Don�t people realize they use BATHROOM TAP WATER in those machines?
Clay�s American Idol performances played on a television set up on the floor. While thumbing through magazines, I heard the first few notes of "This is the Night". I then saw a grown woman (wearing sweatpants and a fanny pack) RUN AND SLIDE ACROSS THE FLOOR to get up close to the TV screen. What the hell?
The Mayor of Clayaikenland organized a bunch of lame ass games, including "How many words can you make from Clay Aiken�s name", "Clay Aiken Bingo", and "Red thong toss". The latter was by far the most pathetic. A tower of toilet paper stood with a cardboard cutout of Clay�s head at the top. People flung red thongs slingshot style at the tower. Dollar store candles were given as prizes to those who could ring Clay�s head with underwear. Psh.
I could only take so much of this bullshit, so I walked around the store, reading DVD cases, checking out books and CDs and filling my arms with merchandise to make me feel better for attending this train wreck. I found the manager and asked him if he would PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE sell me a CD early so I could escape this torture and go home. He told me he could be fined $5000 for releasing the CD before midnight in a voice reserved for people who believe they hold a very powerful and important position in life. Dude, it�s a Clay Aiken CD release party at Media Play. Get over yourself. When you discover a cure for AIDS, then you can use that attitude with me. Until then, act like a normal person.
The most unsettling part of the evening came when they broke out the karaoke machine. Now, I loves me some karaoke, but this was beyond horrible. First, little kids sang. Shouldn�t they have been at home in bed on a school night? I was so tempted to call Child Protection Services just to make it stop. Next, a guy in his twenties ruined "Build Me Up Buttercup", followed by a tender man in his seventies dressed much like the Crocodile Hunter who butchered "Unchained Melody". I called Tony and held out my cell phone so he could hear what evil sounds like. If I had to endure the agonizing torture of hearing these people blaspheme Clay�s performances with their terrible voices, so did he.
I wore out the soles of my shoes pacing the store and checking my watch every three seconds to see if we were any closer to midnight.
Finally the announcement came over the loudspeaker that we could pick up our CDs at the music kiosk. It was only 11:15, so I still had to wait 45 minutes before I could buy the goddamned thing. To annoy me further, the Media Play asshats put the CD in the store�s sound system. They won�t sell me the friggin� CD early so I can go home and get some sleep, but they�ll blare the thing through the store. That just made me violent. I didn�t have a baseball bat on hand, so I paced instead. In my fury, I found a CD of David Sedaris Live at Carnegie Hall, and I calmed down a little bit.
I made it to midnight without falling asleep, spending a thousand dollars or killing anyone. I�ll never attend one of these CD release parties again in my entire living life, but when I got in the car and popped THIS
in the CD player, the last four hours of my life were sheer bliss and all was right with the world.
joeparadox at 8:18 a.m.